


When Our Paths Cross, We're Whole Again

by kquin12 (quin12)



Category: Monsta X (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Communication, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Relationship Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29492757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quin12/pseuds/kquin12
Summary: Yoongi and Kihyun have been at it for years, navigating a relationship with all the pressures of being an idol. Sometimes Yoongi thinks he can't take it anymore, but he knows he's in it as long as Kihyun is too.
Relationships: Min Yoongi | Suga/Yoo Kihyun
Kudos: 17





	When Our Paths Cross, We're Whole Again

**Author's Note:**

> All I can say is that I listened to Seesaw and couldn't stop thinking about this. Like literal months I've had this idea in my head. It's sad, but also I think hopeful? There's not really any plot just Yoongi loving Kihyun a lot.

Yoongi can’t remember the last time he felt only joy when talking to Kihyun. These days when they text it’s a hurried _talk later?_ or _good night love you._ Voice calls are stolen moments where both of them are somehow in between interviews, or photoshoots, or recording, or choreography practice, or– 

Video chats come even less often. Quiet moments when Yoongi sees Kihyun’s face and feels sad missing him. When they’re together, if they can swing a few hours every other month, Yoongi feels relief, happiness, but also stress, regret, and the inevitable creeping guilt. 

It didn’t used to be that way. When they first started, Kihyun on his way to debuting with Monsta X, Yoongi still grappling with the work of BTS, it was amazing. They understood each other. They provided comfort outside of their bandmates. 

Today, however, Yoongi has about eight million things on his schedule and Kihyun is calling after having texted him earlier just saying _can you talk?_

Yoongi feels pulled in so many different directions. The stylists asking him to sit still for hair and makeup. Jungkook had ordered him food earlier and is trying to get him to eat some of it. Yeontan is running around causing Taehyung and Jimin to cause a commotion in the background. And Namjoon, the bastard, is sleeping soundly while he waits for his turn in the chair.

They’re doing a photoshoot today for some American media outlet in preparation for their trip next month where they’ll shoot the ON music video and do some more press. Kihyun knows Yoongi is busy doing all the promo, so he’s a little annoyed that he’s being asked to pause that. 

_I can call after i’m done with the stylists if it's urgent,_ Yoongi texts back. He really hopes it’s not urgent. He can feel the creeping anxiety just thinking about adding another thing to his plate. All he really wants is to catch a quick nap before they’re needed. He’d stayed up late last night trying to work on his mixtape because he was counting on the downtime during the photoshoot prep. 

_That’d be great thanks. love u,_ is all Yoongi gets back. He exhales heavily, accidentally making the makeup artist’s hair flutter.

After he sneaks away and has his phone pressed to his ear to call Kihyun, Yoongi feels anticipation of hearing Kihyun’s comforting voice, even if something is wrong. 

“Hey Yoongi, thanks for calling,” Kihyun says on the other end of the line. “I know you’re really busy right now but I really wanted to talk.”  
  


“Sure babe. What’s going on?”  
  


After a couple beats of silence, Yoongi hears a slight exhale and the next sentence spoken almost as a whisper “I just heard that they want us to stay in the US for the first half of the year.”

Yoongi’s heart drops and starts hammering almost simultaneously. With Monsta X’s new full English language album, it was expected that Kihyun would be busy abroad more than usual. But they’d planned to at least have a few days alone before they both embarked on their world tours. That respite kept Yoongi going through all the horribly stressful days and strained interactions with Kihyun when they were both too overworked to be good to each other. 

Yoongi starts, “So that means staying there well beyond when I’d start the tour?” 

With a humorless laugh, Kihyun only says, “Yeah.”

There’s nothing to say right now other than, “Okay. Thanks for giving me a heads up. I gotta go, they’re calling for us.” Which is a lie that they both know Yoongi is telling so that there’s not another fight. 

The truth is that their relationship has become far too difficult as of late. Kihyun’s been working his ass off to make sure Monsta X doesn’t falter after Wonho’s leaving. Starship has been pushing them into new markets that don’t care about the scandal, including the US, and it’s been a point of stress for him. 

Yoongi came off a world tour only to be expected to produce yet another album while they also did heavy promo for the upcoming single. He loves his work. He loves his bandmates, and seeing the fans, and even learning dumbass hard choreography. 

They both knew when they moved from being friends to something more that it would be difficult. Idols’ lives are already full when thrown into the spotlight. Finding time for other friends, let alone boyfriends or girlfriends, was difficult. Yes, the companies tried to keep relationships secret, but the sad fact was that most idols were just perpetually single. 

The first rough patch had been _rough._ Neither of them used to operating as a unit, only selfishly wanting the other to drop their own obligations without actually putting in more effort on their own end. That’s how Trivia: Seesaw got made. 

That’s also how they resolved it. Yoongi got fed up, Kihyun withdrew, and only after Yoongi bitterly sent him the demo track did it hit them both that they either had to get their shit together or end it. 

Because the thing is, Yoongi knows Kihyun is it for him. He’s been there since the beginning; they’ve grown together and shaped each other. Kihyun makes Yoongi feel like a superhuman, like he’s getting better just for having known him. It’s not just history either. Yoongi still gets butterflies when he can see Kihyun in person, anticipation itching under his skin. It’s like he’s 20 again, sneaking Kihyun into the dorm for some late night ramen. Yoongi has never met anyone else who could compete with Kihyun. 

But damn it gets hard. How much pain is too much? They constantly leave each other. Pretend to not be as close in public. Rarely have they ever been able to go on an actual date. It’s part of their job, Yoongi knows. That’s obvious given Kihyun’s recent news. 

Yoongi takes two long, deep breaths before rejoining the others. There’s time to process this later. For now, there’s pictures to be taken, maknaes to corral, and smiles to fake. 

\--

Kihyun organized a long weekend before Monsta X needs to head to the US, and Yoongi coordinated the same on his end. They meet at Kihyun’s apartment, which is more homey between the two’s places. It’s smaller, with just two bedrooms and a small balcony overlooking the city. 

Yoongi lets himself in with the key he’s had for years. Taking a long inhale, he can smell Kihyun’s cooking. He’ll never get enough of Kihyun making food for him. All the guys in BTS think Yoongi is the expert in the kitchen, but the truth is that he’s just a good student of Kihyun. 

Rounding the corner into the kitchen, Yoongi sees an assortment of pickled veggies, kimchi, meat ready for cooking, and dipping sauces. Standing in the middle of the chaos is the one person who can elicit the strongest emotions from Yoongi. 

Kihyun smiles brightly at him, and Yoongi walks over to envelop him in a hug. It’s been a few weeks since they’ve seen each other in person and Yoongi inhales deeply to smell the familiar scent. He tilts his head up to press an affectionate kiss on Kihyun’s neck and receives a pleased hum in response. 

Making dinner progresses nicely, an old practiced routine built from using cooking as an attempt at normalcy. It’s once they sit down on the couch, full and content, that Yoongi starts feeling the creeping dread. 

Here’s how it usually goes before one of them leaves for a long trip: They act like everything is normal for a bit, affection flowing freely between them. Then one of them expresses anticipation or giddiness, or sometimes even just a throwaway comment, about the upcoming trip and the other becomes tense. That leads to petty arguments and sharp words. Both of them becoming spiky to protect the inevitable loneliness and heartbreak associated with busy schedules. That phase can last hours or even days, depending on how stubborn they are and how scared they feel about being apart for so long. Finally, they’ll either have sex, or even better an open conversation, and they will cycle back to the affectionate stage, but with even more urgency. 

It fucking sucks. 

Yoongi is tired of feeling “love and ____” with Kihyun. Love and stress. Love and loneliness. Love and anticipation. Love and hate. 

Sometimes he thinks back on how he felt that night he wrote Seesaw. Worn down and numb to the love. Neither of them were willing to put work into each other, only keeping up the relationship out of obligation. Anything is better than being back there. 

Kihyun of course can sense the tension from Yoongi even if he tries to hide it. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Sighing and clinging more to Kihyun’s shoulder, Yoongi mumbles, “I don’t want to fight this time. I just want to…be. Can we just talk everything out right now before we start the argument?”

Yoongi can feel Kihyun smile from where his mouth was pressing kisses into his head. “Of course. Do you wanna go first or should I?”  
  


Since even Yoongi doesn’t know what this time’s fight will turn into, he says, “You first.”  
  


“Okay. I don’t want to go to the US for so long. I’m insecure that by keeping away from you for so long you’ll forget how much you like having me around and we’ll just become dead weight to each other again.” 

Yoongi shifts his body so that they’re now facing each other. This is the first time they’ve tried talking before being forced to after increasingly passive aggressive arguments. “Thank you for telling me.” 

They sit in silence letting that hang for a while. Yoongi knows how Kihyun is feeling because he feels the same. But how do they protect themselves against it? 

Yoongi says, “I can’t lie and say it won’t be hard. It’s always been hard and it won’t be easy for a really long time. You bring out the best and worst parts of me that sometimes it’s exhausting. But I want to keep being with you, even if I get tired of trying. I trust you to push us through. Just like I’ll push us through when you get tired. We’ve made it so far and I’m still in love with you. I can’t give you more reassurance than that, but it’s all I have.” At that he gestures out with his palms out flat, inviting Kihyun to hold onto him.

Kihyun’s eyes haven’t stopped looking sad, but they’ve started looking more accepting. He takes a long breath before responding. “I agree with everything you said. It’s so fucking hard. But I’m not giving you up, even if I know it makes you miserable sometimes. I’m too selfish for that.” His eyes fall to his lap, as if ashamed. 

“No baby. Never selfish. If you are then that makes me selfish as well.” Yoongi clambers into Kihyun’s lap, chest to chest, nuzzling into the crook of his neck–a favorite spot of his. 

They stay like that for a while, just existing together. Each with a head full of infinite thoughts, but comforted that they dodged the angst of arguing before a departure. 

When Yoongi’s knees get sore and Kihyun’s chest gets sweaty, they move to the bedroom for an early night. If anyone could beat Yoongi in a sleeping contest, Kihyun would be fierce competition. 

The next two days are spent in relative peace. Revisiting their favorite parts of each other and their relationship. Bickering good naturedly, gossiping about other idols, and cooking. So much cooking. 

When early morning hits on the day of Kihyun’s departure, Yoongi cries not even two minutes after waking up. He kisses Kihyun and just feels the tears starting. It hurts so much. They stay in bed for as long as they can, kisses mixed with salty tears and bodies pressed as tight together as possible. 

Kihyun climbs out of bed to take a quick shower and do a final check to make sure he’s packed everything. The big luggage went out yesterday, and today he’s just got to pack his personal things into a small duffel. Yoongi curls in on himself for a while, his chest aching. 

But finally, Yoongi gets out of bed, makes coffee for both of them, and tries to not cry again. 

Kihyun accepts the cup from Yoongi gratefully and they stand in the kitchen opposite of each other, staring.

By the time the coffee is finished and Yoongi’s also packed up to go back to his cold, large apartment, Kihyun’s car is here with Changkyun already inside. 

Yoongi gets one last desperate hug, a long kiss that tastes fittingly bitter from the coffee, and a final inhale at Kihyun’s neck. He’s crying and Kihyun is crying but they don’t say anything except _I love you_. They don’t need to say more, they both know. 

After this, Yoongi will go home, he’ll cling onto the hoodie that smells like Kihyun, probably at the same time that his boyfriend will be doing the same with his own sweater, and he’ll try to fight the doubts over whether this pain is worth it. 

Because it always is. Kihyun is always worth it and Yoongi is willing to wait forever for him. 

**Author's Note:**

> The hopeful ending is implied because the pandemic forced the whole kpop industry to cancel any international plans so hopefully these two got some time together in the end? 
> 
> I hope you liked it!!!


End file.
